I am pretty sure...after googling myself you can only find me easily in places if you know me ;) I like that feeling.  I like being a complete mystery to everyone but the people I want to figure me out.  It's better that way ;) Not everyone deserves my un-ending trust...they must earn it.  My inner person, just as everyone, is special and people should gaurd the most special parts of their hearts for people who earn their way into them ;) Friends should be paitent and devoted, not demanding, trusting...

Austrian accent.  makes me want to smile and pretend I am there.  It does something to my heart... ;)

To hear an accent of a German person speaks volumes to me, so much is bound up in hearing words, englisch and German run off the tounge...It represents so many memories, so much emotion bound in those memories, so much crazy ;)

That's all ;) ;)

I am a hopeless romantic...I am someone's best friend...I am fiercely independant...waiting for my life to unfold.....

the General public thinks...weird dreams...

Oh, finally I am sooo sleepy...but of course blogging! ;) So this semester is off to a good start, renewing and creating new friendships with people...bordertown (Elizabeth take note!)

SO, everyone at 504 had weird dreams last night...I dreamt that I had Britney Spears hair and that this really hot blonde guy from Chicago (along with many others) was in love with me...lol...or my hair.  I am not sure so many guys are in love with me.

What scares me though is friendship sometimes with the opposite sex.  Sometimes within the first conversations there are sparks, and what scares me the most is when they remind you of other people that you were totally in love with, ok, let's just be honest when they remind me of Ben.  Even though I, not at all, regret breaking up with him in anyway, I miss his friendship like a crazy girl.  It's not everyday when you have a best friend you can get into mischief with, one who can sweetalk his way out of anything, and who REALLY, you feel for the first time in your life, laughs so much it hurts with you and listens.  THAT, is what, when you find it in a friend, never, ever, ever let go of. That's the real thing. So, seeing that sometimes scares me because of it's powerful potential in the opposite sex.  Some people may be able to relate, or have a friend who can relate like that ;)

I like boys.  I like the fact that they are not so serious and have A.D.D.   I like that boys never worry about anything.  I like it when they make me feel loved, are polite, and make me feel safe. 

Barak Obama.  Pretty sure he's the bomb.  That's it.  Be need to elect him right now and kick Bush out.  NOW! No more war, and help the poor! Hey it ryhmes!! lol! But seriously, get in the inner city, teach immigrants english, get people food and health care and tell them they are valuble and loved ;) People, are all equal and all deserve a chance!!!

I have a lot more just sitting on my heart, but I KNOW...I KNOW that it is right.  I know my heart's whispers are leading me, and thank you! Thank you for telling me to listen!

Contemplating getting back into this!

Yay! for Xanga! My roomates have inspired me to write again...and truthfully, I am so glad.  Many many thought have got my mind going again.  I feel like I have been numb to write since Austria, and something has strirred deep within me.  Maybe it's my heart, awakening again! Yay! I feel like it's been sleeping for months now...

Let's start with the summer.  To be honest, it was a tough summer.  In my little head, I really want to dissapear onto the continent of Europe and never come back.  I first held sight of this dream with the German speaking boyfriend Ben, when I was a FRESHMAN... WOW, times goes really fast! But, as he quickly dissapeared, my passion for Europe suddenly re-appeared! I am not sure why or how exactly a failed relationship brought it about...I know I loved him desperately at the time, being the only person who I knew who had enough enegy and wit to pull 40 hours a week and manage a nearly perfect GPA, and tutor me through Math...besides the point...

I went to Europe the first time because I really wanted to do it, and I suddenly realized I COULD do it, if I wanted to...so I did.  I spent a month teaching englisch and trekking the streets of Budapest with Richard, Walks with Mel and of course I ate ice cream every day while staring at the familar baroque domes of churches.

God was real that summer, and as always, he ignited my passions even more for people in Europe.  I came home and wept for Teenagers without a church, without a gospel...

So, this summer, was a bit harder.  I was angry with God, because I was, ah ha, still single.  I should just be up front with a fear that has sat with me: I'm too weird, to tempermental, to crazy to be loved.  It's a lie, but it feels like the truth a lot.  Honestly, when that fear first came to light 4 years ago (after verbally claiming for such a long time I would never get married) I broke down in tears in Ben's arms, who at the time was just a partner in many late night charades, that mostly ended in taco bell.... but since then have been expressed to close friends...but it's a fear no the less..

So, here I am swimming in the middle of this Austrian Lake, after reading the book "one thing" I felt challaneged by God to let all of this swimming axeniety in my stomach go...to him, to just love HIM more prefectly and depend on HIM.... I fought, and was mad in my head with God...How could I?  Could I just let HIM plan my future (well, isn't that the point Beth?)

So, I did.  Very stubbornly.  Then...stuff happened.  My friend Johannes followed my around....everywhere.  We walked, talked, swam...he opened up...then he broke up with his girlfriend...hinted at the fact that I was beautiful...wait a moment.  Let me tell you....what? I thought.  But I liked him, and he liked me back.  It was weird, flattering....and then it went down the tubes.  Stuff happened, he betrayed me (ok, everyone at sommerschule just assumed we were together...) and everyone knew what went down.  I was so hurt by what he did......even on our friendship level it just hurt...he knew it.  But God taught me something...he showed me Johannes was needing something deeper, so.....I just started to pray and God allowed me to forgive him.  It was weird, I had never forgiven anyone for betraying me so easily. 

Tied up in this friendship was a weird love and loniness about the country of Austria.  It was so hard to be there, and at the same time, I was so deeply in love with my friends who were Austrian. Johannes was a Christian, and seeing his struggles pulled at my heart, Sabine, who is searching, Katrin and Julia who spent so much time with me in the States and Austria...my heart just connected with my peers on soo many levels that at the end of the summer I was so passionately in love but atterly mad at the country for making my heart break for it's people, for making me lonely, for making my summer a confused mess...I never wanted to cross it's borders again.  So I locked my memories away in a closet in the back of my mind for awhile.

Then there was Poland.  A dream compared to my time in Austria.  Long runs up and down the hills to my I Pod.  Hiking and talking about God in the Czech Republic, being prayed for, praying for people, fellowship....I love for wroclaw...

And I came back.  I jumped into my semester right away.  I pushed off Europe because it had changed me.  The people I opened up to affected me, and I affected them.  It only rooted me stronger in the Lord and in my heart.  In pushing Europe off I thought I could live here, I thought I could be OK with being a normal person, with doing the "normal" thing.  But, my love affair came back.  It started whispering in my ear, and thoughts and pictures came back and soon my started studying the towns on my wall map again.  Munich, Salzburg, Zagrab, Wien, Venice, Milano...........

So much more to write...but more lata...I just need these thoughts somewhere in the open...just floating...

Communism...at it's BEST...maybe better than Tito, Stalin, or Breshnev

Haha

How I know res life in communist-

While taking my history final I would like to draw some paralells I thought of:

Leadership: A Small elite group controlling the resouces of many.

Freedom of Speech: You either conform, or you are "socialized"  aka the "using red and green at Christmas is bad, it's like the Nazi's oppressing people " talk a hall director had with the CA in another hall, and many "don't express your own opinion, but that of res life" talks I have had. or... you will be "asked" to leave.

Seceret Show trials: All the "investigations" they do behind closed doors. Rounds incident...Centennial... Also, I know of a few other "investigations" that are going on......

General hate of facisim: see above to Nazi reference.

Social Justice Training: aka brainwashing of housing and res life, to make them agree with their view of social justice.  (remember, no mentioning of anything related to anything.....not housing res-life)

(disclaimer, I do beileve in loving everyone equally, but not self-love, or not having personal beilefs on certain subjects)

And lastly:

Persecution of religion: No Religion.  Just don't mention it.

I warned you.